:: leave ::

I believe everyone has their limits
Think I’ve come to mine
If you keep pushing me over my limit
Then I think it’s time

To leave and to break free
Far away where you can’t find me
Just leave to a place
Where I can be what I long to be
Then you will see
I’m not coming back to you

I believe I’ve always been nice to people
Can you be nice to me?
If you keep giving me nothing but trouble
Then it’s best for me

To leave and to break free
Far away where you can’t find me
Just leave to a place
Where I can be what I long to be
Then you will see
I’m not coming back to you

::option::

just came back from Adventist Hospital..
as usual, every 2-3 months i will go to see my doctor, Dr.Lu for consultation and reload ubat metformin or clomid..

tadi as usual juga, tiap kali mai Dr.Lu akan tengok my BBT chart..
aku ni bengap, smpai kesudah tak pandai-pandai baca chart tu..
tak pandai nak agak bila time subur aku..
yang aku tau, bila suhu drop di hujung-hujung cycle ko tu means nk period la tu..
get ready!

tapi tadi dia terangkan AGAIN la..ate patient bebal beno kan..
and aku rasa aku paham skit la kot..
hehehe! *bebal alert on!*
wait and see je laa..

so tadi reload metformin for 2 months..
and last round of clomid..
im on the highest dose now..
3 biji sehari for 5 days..
if tak jalan jugak means badan aku dah rejek laa clomid ni..dia dah imun and tak lut gitu..

tadi doktor ada aa tanya nak buat IUI tak..
first yang aku tanya opkos aa ‘how much?’..
dia kata around NT30k-NT50k..
haishh.. 3-5 ribu tu noks!
and bukan 100% akan jadi ek on 1 try..

ekceli aku nak je buat terus..
umo dah 36 tahun ni weh! takde masa aih aku nak tunggu dah..
hal duit, aku ada je dalam akaun tapi nun kat mesia la pulok..
akaun sini adalah terhad isi dia sebab kitaorang rajin keluarkan and bawa balik and isi bank mesia..
and duit dlm akaun tewan adalah dikongsi bersama enche asben..
need to discuss first with him la..

aku tnya la prosedur dia caner..
dia kata dia akan cucuk aku with bla bla bla and monitor my egg until it rupture (matured)..
dia akan ultrasound to see my egg every 2-3 days gitu..
then hal sperm lak dia boleh frozen dulu and use bila egg aku dh ready..

ooo..aku ingat on the day it self baru laki kena kasi sperm..
doktor kata boleh frozen awal takut time egg aku redi, laki aku tak available ke hapa..tapi dia kata if laki ada kat Taiwan time tu, dia prefer yang fresh la..

ok got it!

haishh..tah laa weh..
deep down inside aku nak cepat..
my biologikal clock is ticking!
tapi ada kala rasa not ready to go thru that..
aku terasa je yang enche asben stil hoping it will come naturally..

tah la weh..
patut ke aku buat prosedur ni?
benda-benda ni payah aku nak bincang dengan enche asben..
he never talk about having children ke hapa..
adakala aku tak tau dia ni nak anak or not..
and i dont dare to ask..
sebab aku takut nak dengar kalo jawapan dia tu, aku tak sedia nak dengar..

wish me luck guys!
i reli need it..
and baby dust to me and u too..
kbai..

::melt down::

lama tahan dah and tonite suddenly berderai jugak..
*sigh*
blame on my imbalance hormone!
PMS sedang melambai-lambai juz around the corner tu..

tetiba je rasa sebak and i think i need to vent out oso..
so let the dam burst bebeh!
lega jugak bila dapat lepaskan sume..

and bila dapat borak ngan enche asben on the YM doesnt help much..
makin gua rasa sayu lelebih lagi bila dia tanya kabo hal bini eh..
asking how im doing.. am i ok here or not..
beras ada lagi ke…
stok air mineral cukup ke..
huk huk huk~!

and reli i dont wanna say to him that i miss him damn much!
takmo meleweh-leweh tunjuk that i want him come home quickly..
takmo dia susah ati pikir ke aku kat sini..
i want him to focus on his mom first..
i dont want to be selfish..
im a grown wuhmen.. i can handle masef quite ok.. err i guess?

its juz that everything felt so lonely..
nasib baik aa kerja.. ada something to make my mind busy a while from 9 to 5..
tapi once im home.. everything adalah pbbtth balik~!

owh my mom-in law is doing fine, alhamdulillah..
juz had her kornea operation petang semalam
the operation was a success and now she is in recovery…
tatau lagi bila akan kuar spital.. doktor nak monitor dulu to make sure takde infection kuman watsoever after the surgery..

ive asked enche asben to take ‘leave’ as long as he want to take care of his mom..
sacrifice a bit doesnt hurt rite..
i know i’ll be fine..
ya chesue bertabah laa untuk menghadapi another wiken without the other haf..
isk! isk!

::cant stay mad at u bebeh::

semalam first day of work adalah kemain berat nak mengheret bontot pi keja..
badan rasa tak best..
lelebih lagi malam before that aku pi kenduri pre-wedding drebar opis kitaorg, si Rafik, aku dah kena ujan..
owh citer tu nanti ek aku up..
now aku nak membebel benda tah hapa2 dulu..
izinkan aku..

so balik je dari opis, otak aku ekceli dah setting, TAKMO MASAK, TAKMO MAKAN..
dah aa ada kes-kes kesentapan enche asben buat kat aku this past few days yang dah rupa mangkuk tingkat dalam ati aku.. dah aa aku tengah hormon tak stedi nih..
yeahh, u are in big trouble mista!

tapi aku ni aa satu nyer.. bila aku marah ke hapa, aku suka diam.. and if aku bercakap pun, face-less aa muka tu.. and if i smile pun, poker face aa..

“I smile and act like nothing is wrong sometimes, it’s called dealing with shit and staying strong”

tapi semalam once melangkah je masuk umah, tak sampai ati nak stay mad and let him starving..
ni sume aku rasa sebab amalam Dato Dr Fadilah Kamsah aa yang aku dok buat hari-hari aa nih..
reli aku masuk je umah, aku takley nak marah lama-lama..

aku tiap kali kuar umah, aku mulakan langkah kanan and terus baca Qursi.. ni aku dah amal since bertahun dah..
once ko kuar umah and baca Qursi, insyaallah tuhan lindungi ko sampai ko melangkah balik ke dalam umah..
and takat ni alhamdulillah, bukan diri ko je terlindung.. aku rasa umah ko pun terlindung sama..
penah aa aku tetinggai kunci umah bebetui tergantung kat pintu umah weh! tapi aku percaya berkat amalan ni, alhamdulillah takde sapa nampak kunci tu kat situ walhal jelas je dia terpacak kat lubang kunci tu.. kalo idak pree-pree je pencuri tibai barang umah aku!

then bila masuk umah balik.. aku ikut nasihat Dato’ Dr Fadilah Kamsah yang aku dengar dari radio..
before this, aku juz masuk langkah kaki kanan with salam..
tapi Dr Fadilah Kamsah kata, its better ko baca bismillah 3x depan pintu and langkah kaki kanan masa masuk umah untuk elak setan ataih pintu tu ikut masuk sekali ke dalam umah..

katanyer, untuk elakkan laki bini bergaduh selalu or anak-anak degil kat umah tak mo dengar kata..
elok aa amalkan benda ni..
and alhamdulillah aa, aku rasa becoz of this, tiap kali aku angin ke enche asben, tak lama pun sure dia ilang sendiri!
macam api nyala-nyala dalam ati, tup-tup padam kena simbah ayo bomba…
neno-neno-neno~!

even its not 100% accurate sometimes, well.. still suatu kebaikan bila melangkah masuk umah with ayat Quran rite?
yea adakala takley nak escape gak dalam kehidupan seharian kalo tak gaduh ke hapa..

~sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit.. ini kan pulak suami isteri..

(wahh tetiba gua feeling ala p.ramlee & saloma!)

ada gak terguris mana-mana ati..
ada jugak ternages di sana sini..

but we are still good..
and that’s what counts!

::bekojo la kito, sekuek nyo!::

so amacam cuti panjang korang?

hepi terlentang terkobak kat umah?
puas dah ukur jalanraya kat mesia?
roboh dah soping mall korang panjat?
yap! aku tengah dengki nih..
sebab ari ni aku dah kena keja!
boring giler…
boring bukan pasai takde keja..(pasai pe boring ek? entah! saja gatai)
keja berlambak ni hah.. tak dan-dan enche bos tu masuk je opis terus memanggil-manggil..
eeee.. time ni aa how i wish he could have gone outstation kehapa for a very VERY long time..
ghimas perot aku aa!
and PC aku pun sama musibat nih.. pepagi dah wat perangai bastet dia..
rasa nak hempas2 ke tanah je CPU nih..
tah hapa carutan yang patut aku kasi ke dia ni pun, aku tatau dah..
abih idea..
……….
hmm buat keja sampai tak sedau dah nk masuk lunch hour..
sesedau enche bos nk kuar lunch dah..
and im still terkial-kial depan PC siap kan itu ini..
ahhh takley jadi ni..dilayan sangat keja-keja ni, sampai tahun depan tak abih-abih!
layan milo dulu aaa sepam..
perut kena dilayan jugak kan..
talk bout milo..
sometimes it does make me smile a bit..
even for others, benda kecik je nih.. tapi for me, its kinda cute!
hmm..
stok milo aku kat opis ni aku bawak dalam tupperware kecik..
every 2 weeks gitu, aku akan bawak balik tupperware kosong tu to be refilled at home..
tapi aku tak penah refill sendri!
EVER!
yap! enche asben without fail, akan refill kan tupperware tu untuk aku..and put it on the table so that i could see it and bring it to the office..
tiap 2 minggu sekali aku bawak balik tupperware kosong and put it on the table kengkonon ‘aah satg la aku reload, gi mandi dulu’
takde aa nk basuh ke hapa ke dulu..
juz that!
hehehehe… perangai sungguh tak indah ini pompuan laa…
then bila esoknyer, aku pasti akan tengok bekas milo aku tu akan full and cantik je terletak atas meja, ready for me to carry back to the office..
so sweet kan?
at least he awares of bini dia yang asik laa menggelupur ngadu lapo kat opis hari-hari..
so dia akan pastikan stok milo aku fully reload each time..
tu blom pepagi dia akan tanya nak roti croissant tak..
hikss..*syahdu*
even if aku bawak balik bekas makanan aku tapau dari umah, i never wash my bekas tu..
juz put it on the table..
each time, enche asben akan basuhkan..
its not that im bullying my asben!
nope, tapi dulu bila aku basuh bekas aku dia komplen still berminyak lagi la apa laa..
hmm terus aku tak basuh dah..hehehehe!
sila kan B… i know u laf me!
kekekeke…
tapi pada aku, thats what we call cooperation in marriage!
selama aku kat mesia dulu, EVERYTHING aku buat.. segala menyental toilet, masak, basuh baju, bayo bill, kemas umah..sume aku laa!
kami dan setahun je kot kat mesia as husband n wife before kena campak ke sini..
memang takde laa enche asben nak hadap hal umah selain pi keja balik keja, makan, mandi, tido gitu..penat katanyer!
tapi since duk sini, EVERYTHING dia handle!
and im proud of it!
in fact, better than me when it comes to housekeeping…
and now tiap kali aku memasak kat dapo, he never fail to be there in the kitchen with me.. buat-buat sibuk tah kehapa..
even kengkadang aku rasa nk halau je dia dari dapo aku sebab nyemak.. orang nak duk kat sinki, time tu aa dia nk duk situ gak..hoh!
tapi deep down inside, i love to have him around, helping me..
owh dia dah teror wat sambal belacan weh..
kagum mak, noks!
but that is another story la ek..
this is not a puji-laki-sendri kinda entry ek..
ini juz my way of showing appreciation to my asben..
mebi he didnt realize how i see it selama ni…
segala apa dia buat, even the smallest things he did..
aku perati eckeli.. and aku hargai..
he put a lot of effort selama tahun ni…
improved from zero to hero!
and i can totally depend on him selama duk Algeria nih..
in everyway..!
dulu aku takut nak mai sini sebab ingat aku yang kena handle everything like i used to in Malaysia..
dengan beban kerja nk kena hadap..nk jaga umah lagi and laki segala..plus we will be living in a totally different environment!
tapi i was wrong..
throughout these years, he helped alot…!
in fact, aku yang bergantung harap pada dia…
now i can less worry bout half of it..
and smile all the way thru 🙂
hmm tapi tang masak je masih fail!
penat acik train.. tak lulus2 jugak..
soh cuci ayam pun takut! apakan nk soh masak..
*tepuk dahi*
oh well, i still love u B!
p/s- sorry for the mushy-ness.. tak sengaja! kekekekeek….blame it on the Milo!